The stark realization that I may have Asperger's Syndrome.

Having Aspergers is a constant battle with sound, touch, smell and movement.

I have always had a distinct set of symptoms throughout my life. I knew I was different from most people, but always chalked it up to being eccentric or having a rough childhood. It wasn't until my wife suggested that I was displaying all the symptoms of Asperger's Syndrome that I started to research the condition more.

Asperger's Syndrom or "AS" is a form of mild autism, a condition which we still don't know a lot about. When you hear about autistic people, you immediately think of Rain Main and the type of person who cannot function in society. There is actually an entire spectrum of autism and Asperger's Syndrome is a much more mild condition and thus harder to diagnose.

Go online and find tests like this one for a rough diagnosis. I took that test and scored 32 which is range for AS. At first glance, somebody like me may come off as pretty normal. You don't notice any quirks until a closer relationship develops. You can search many sites on Aspergers and come up with a symptoms list, but as I dug deeper I found even more telling signs. Here are some of the symptoms that hit the nail right on the head with my day to day life:

• Lack of social skills, conduct: Whether it's the high school prom, meetings to get new business prospects or Christmas parties for the office, I've always went to the engagement with a huge sense of dread and doom. I don't understand why I need to interact with people because it's basically causing me a great deal of pain I can't understand. I come out of social engagements exhausted and with a need to hole up in a dark room. It's almost always a situation where I need a lot of recovery time
• Lack of eye contact / Misinterpretation of being rude: This is probably one of the biggest ones. I have the hardest time looking people in the eye. I always thought it meant shyness, or had something to do with childhood experiences. I've fought it from time to time, forcing myself to make eye contact, but it almost always makes me exhausted in addition to not being able to understand what the person is saying to me. I immediately get lost in the person's eyes, become over-stimulated and begin to have a wandering mind. A person with Asperger's is often misunderstood as being rude. I can't begin to count the times people have remarked through somebody else how rude they thought I was when I didn't intend this. People who know me well see that I listen intently to what they say, but I will be staring off into space or at an inanimate object in order to tolerate the conversation.
• Tendency to take things literally / Lack of sarcasm detection: I've often been taken aback with people yelling at me, "I was just kidding" or "Why the hell did you have to take that so literally?" For instance, somebody may joke that I need to "drive to Texas in order to find the answer 'to that problem'." Their intent may be in a playful way "trying to get rid of me, but not really . ." I take it as , "Well, that may just be the ticket. I'll do that!"
• Lack of Empathy / Inability to listen to others: I have a great deal of trouble with people who are trying to explain their problems to me. I often label them as 'seeking victim status' or 'lazy'.  Any time there is an argument, I can't understand why things have to be so complicated. It's more simplistic and black and white to me. People would often yell at me, "Why can't you understand this?" in which I would usually reply, "I don't see the problem here."
• Anger, fear, anxiety, depression: I have one voice saying that "all people experience this on some level" but the other voice comes back and asks, "why do you seem to have a much harder time than others?" I get more depressed and overloaded with news than most. I often have to ignore the news in order have a brighter outlook. That could be true with most people, but I seem to get really angry at political things like many blog items here allude to. Other times like job interviews or public speaking give me a lot of anxiety. If there were days at school where i had to do public speaking, I would find every way possible to be sick. I've had some fantastic times in my life and it's usually when I decide to totally shut down news intake, tv shows and walk away from a negative person. I can be quite happy and positive, but the "nasty spin" of most people and news tends to amplify for me.
• Sensory overload or "Sensory Challenges": (A BIG ONE HERE): Up until the advent of the internet, which allows a person to research symptoms people like me were just called "extra sensitive". It's something my mother would often say usually followed by a " . . .I don't know". I didn't hone in on this until finding another acquaintance that had similar symptoms, making me feel like it wasn't just a quirk in personality. An extreme amount of sounds or visual stimulation can immediately cause me to crack and go into a tantrum. This has been issue throughout childhood into adulthood. These things are easy to identify:
  • Somebody eating carrots on the couch next to you.
  • The clinking or grinding sound people make with a fork when eating ( I can classify these people in an instant.).
  • Flashing avatars or advertisements on a web page.
  • People who rock or shake their body or foot when sitting just to my left or right
  • People who apply makeup in the mirror while I'm driving. ( the brushing motion out of the corner of my eye)
  • Dogs barking, licking or slurping
  • Commercials on TV (especially volume variations)
  • Clinking sounds of old air conditioners.
  • I fight endlessly with people about the room being too cold or hot.
  • The light buzzing noise a speaker set makes when no music is playing
  • Buzzing of florescent lights.
  • I find myself often changing, arranging or turning off and on light bulbs because they are too bright or too dim.
  • The revving and whining sound of leaf blowers tends to drive me insane in less than 5 minutes. (It does most people, but with me, I get so upset I have to post blog articles about it )
  • Hair sprays, several lotions and colognes make me instantly sick, running out of the room screaming. It's not so much an allergy as smelling something way too intense.
• Doesn't want to be touched/hugged: Much like autistic children, I often don't like human touch, especially being hugged.
• Highjacking a conversation to something I know about: I chuckled when I heard this one, because it's something I engage in, but could never identify. People with AS tend to be able to focus on one subject for extended periods of time. Add that to social awkwardness, and this type of person will often highjack a conversation and turn the subject towards something they know well. At that point they will talk 'at you' instead of listening to anything you have to say. I do this with my wife constantly to the point where she just pretends to listen while I go off on all the different ways to plumb pipe together. I rarely want to listen to people because I find most people boring. Probably the only ones that I find interesting are others with the same ability to pound one subject to death. A typical description of a person with AS is that they don't enjoy social chit-chat or small talk.
• Difficulty making friends: This is a big one that starts to fit into all the other symptoms. I've only had about 3 or 4 truly close friendships in my life. I could almost bet that those people also had a form of Asperger's or Autism because they were very much like me. When people suggest I find a new friend I'm one of these people who are like, "Why bother?" because the majority of the time it's an exhausting process. Seriously, my mind-set is that it's an energy sucking experience whereas other people usually draw strength and energy from making friends. I will think to myself, "I'm giving you free therapy", as they explain all their problems to me. Most people enjoy that back and forth empathy, especially woman. I don't. Instead, I want to discuss electrical circuits for two hours straight.
• Unusually narrow and strong interests: This is something that has become more apparent after buying our home. I become obsessed with the process of a home repair. I'll sit and think about the steps over and over again. I'll discuss it over and over with my wife (read "one sided conversion") until she is like, "yeah, just do it what you think .  ." just to get me to shut up. I've often been accused of over thinking a subject to death. I've also been labeled as a worry wart.
• Good at picking up details and facts / Good with numbers: I have a love of math. Grocery shopping is an adventure for me because I can run math in my head between the relation ship between weight and cost. I often get angry at people who can't understand the weight/cost relationship in foods and just grab "what looks like a big container". I also have an obsession with spreadsheets. I taking readings off the electric meter, the water meter and the fuel tank every week.
• Abnormal problem solving tactics: When ever there is a group and a problem is presented, I'm usually the one who comes up with "Plan B". Most of the time my plan is discarded but every now and then, my plan works and I get unique credit. I always laugh and think that people like me are needed in emergencies just for the sake of having "Plan B" created.
• Does not enjoy creative story writing: This is one that baffles me a bit, and it's one symptom that I don't believe I have. I do feel that I can be creative with stories, but not in all aspects. Researchers say that there is a wide spectrum of symptoms with this syndrome, so for now I'm chalking this one up to being on one end of the pool. (maybe I'm taking the question too literal, another reason why self-diagnosis can't be relied upon)
• Often being misdiagnosed as having Obsessive Compulsive Syndrome OCD: People with AS share a lot of the repetitive behavior as OCD sufferers. I do display mild compulsions like having things in the kitchen arranged a certain way, a need to park the car the same way (backwards in order to leave faster). I'd have to think more on this one.
• Finding it very hard to get a job but fiercely loyal once hired: You don't hear this one often, but it describes my work life. I find job interviews extremely taxing. I develop more anxiety over the process than most people. Once hired though, I tend to be loyal to a job even though I may be overqualified. It goes with the idea of repetition, focusing on one task and not having to readjust a whole new group of people to my various quirks. I especially excel with jobs where I'm asked to problem-solve. One time at a restaurant job, the wait staff kept smashing glasses because the holding tray was too high on the shelf above the wash station, above eye-level. They kept putting a glass in a slot that was already full because they couldn't see. I sat there and studied the issue for a long time and then realized hanging a mirror above the station, at a certain angle, would allow them to see if a hole was empty. My boss thought it was brilliant and implemented it the next day. He says, "We've smashed 100's of glasses before you thought of that."
• Pacing / "Stemming" : It wasn't until watching a video by Taylor Morris that I made the connection of pacing back and forth in the house. I do this nearly every day, and like she says, "up to 3 miles worth" . Her explanation is dead-on. It's a way to escape back into the autistic mind and turn off the physical mind. This can be severe in highly autistic children. They may rock back and forth or wave their hands in front of their face. For me it's much more mild. I will pace back and forth and have what I think of as in-depth conversation with myself. If anybody were to witness this pacing and conversing, they would likely label it pure babbling nonsense.
• The Casein and Gluten connection: Another of the controversial topics is the connection and/or cause of Autistic behavior with milk and wheat. I've never been able to digest either very well. Times in my life where I gone on the Atkins diet have made me feel very focused and peaceful. I always attributed it to weight loss, but after reading the autism connection, I was extremely intrigued. I keep getting back in ruts where I'm eating more milk and wheat. People always want to get pizza or Hot Pockets or whatever. Before you know it, you're eating wheat and milk products six times a day and you've forgotten what is making you feel so bad.

I haven't been officially diagnosed yet, but at this point I'm just looking for somebody to tell me I don't have the syndrome, not if I do. The condition is mired in hot debate and controversy, but various reports have shown that as many as 1 in 166 people have Asperger's or HFA (High Functioning Autism) so it's not as rare as one might think.

Update: I did get professional testing in the winter of 2010/2011 and the consensus is unanimous. I have AS.

There are interesting correlations between Asperger's and being a "geek", good at IT technology, or even having issues with alcoholism (dampening sensory overload). Bill Gates is thought to have this affliction. Researchers are just now starting to draw other connections.

Diagnosis is often hard in adults because they are so good at hiding their symptoms. A lot of the diagnosis is observation, so naysayers often call "bunk" on it or misdiagnose. Many people who are simply introverted wrongly self-diagnose. That's why I continue to do heavy research on the net in order to detail every symptom.

The cure, medication and 'faking it'.

There is no magic pill to take for this condition. Many with the syndrome learn to live with it and actually take pride in it. Just accepting that you are this way is a massive relief. What doctors can do is give you therapy and training so you have a better handle on social situations. I've often tried to train myself, especially with things as simple as making eye contact.

Even though I find it exhausting, I now know that there's a good reason for it which helps with the fight. I can get into social situations now and learn how to be an actor. I can say the right things and behave normally if needed, but I know that my time is limited and this is taking great amounts of energy to accomplish. For the most part, identifying this syndrome is also helpful to people who may think I'm rude, crazy or  self-absorbed. Just explaining this set of symptoms to them makes me more comfortable.